S h a m e f u l l y Z e n

This is one of those times I wish I didn't have full color-vivid dreams. Last night, or was it this morning - doesn't matter, I had a nightmare.

I didn't know why exactly, but I was in the bathroom - trying to take a look at myself in the mirror, but there was none. I had small mirrors - a lot of them in my pocket, and each of them was dirty; covered in something that you get on your spoons and forks when they were washed with detergent or a bar of laundry soap.

So I got one, trying to clean it, with my hand, a piece of my shirt, water, whatever - I was cleaning them all, but to no avail they were still dirty. Then I finally pulled another one, and this time, once it was 'clean enough' to see something - there was this creepy girl behind me. A bit taller, wearing dark clothing, eyes clearly looking at me intently and her hair like mine only messily smeared all over her face - like those chinese/japanese/korean horror girls.

Shocked - naturally, I tried to run out, but before I could reach for the door knob, she grasped my neck and it felt like her hand was sucking the life out of me. I closed my eyes and tried to take the hand off my neck but to no avail, I felt weaker and I fell down as she pinned me down on the floor. One hand on my arm, another on my neck - the rest of her body was sprawled over me.

I don't know how it happened, I opened my eyes again and she was gone - but her weight was all over my neck; trying to crush my throat - like air, trying to suffocate me. I could feel tears in my eyes running down and I tried all I could to scream - but no one came. Oddly enough, I was able to push her off with just my will power.

I sat down the bathroom floor and everything became black. Then I woke up.

Wasn't panting, wasn't sweating - completely calm and peaceful. Did I have a proper nightmare? My eyes were too heavy and they closed again to a peaceful nap before someone knocked on the door - it was lunch time.

--I'm only a dreamer now, I can't interpret anymore; so please...

Since I'm afraid of losing disk space, memory and how my laptop would handle the textures etc, I'm going to delete audition; I'm not much of the gaming goddess as I used to be anyways. Plus I didn't have a reputation or anyone special to play with anymore. In the end, Audition just became a nuisance taking up space and nothing else.

I suppose a final game would do, maybe today. Then after that it's good bye. Maybe I'll install it again in the future, who knows? Wells...sayonara. It's been good while it lasted.

"Dear Audition,

You have given me a way to meet new people, kind, adventurous, fun loving people that have became my friends. They offer support, help, boost, advice in and out of the game. For me, you have became a bridge for a girl like me to the outside world.

I met amazing people, friends and wonderful men, all because of you. Of course, they don't always last - especially the last part but at least I met them.

Thanks to you I earned a reputation - the kind, caring, helpful kanzen, the spunky, eccentric, funny zenny, the mysterious, spontaneous and supporting shane. These characters made their mark as one of the most powerful and charismatic people out there and I'm glad I made my share.

Sorry to say, you're taking up too much disk space, and you made my laptop crash a lot before while I played oversees. However you never really failed me. But now it's time to say good bye, maybe we'll meet again in the future. And my hands, well I guess they may not be as good as they used to - (though thanks to you I type faster now LOL) yet its just a game and that what's important is the fun and the people I meet.

All thanks to you

~Kanzen/Zenny/Shane/plushiedoll

your beta tester in 2006 your player until now in 2009 and well, just a girl that plays YOU."

yep, that would sum it up.

...the title says it all. The other stories are kinda missing in the story section @-@ dear Lord what happened, this time?

Oh and...lol I accidentally deleted the whole cast of my story @///@ which is no problem since I got them in body shop HOWEVER - not all ofthem, x_x I deleted the minor character templates so I can have more space *cough*laptop*cough* then it turns out that they're not minor characters at all D: geez.

How am I supposed to clone those guys? *sigh* especially Greg @_@ he was a "Random Miracle"...yeah I got him of random in bodyshop, tweeked him a bit and voila! =3= OTL

What to do? What to do? I still have the houses and the buildings - thank God. But the characters!!! @A@ what am I gonna do?!

OH BTW, I "deleted them" by removing them from the house since Iwant to move them to another neighborhood (smaller custom) AND be able to keep their memories. So I got them all set up at the family bin and I took all the houses in the lots bin. That usually works when I move them but...when I got to my new neighborhood they were gone! SAY HELLOTO THE TRAVELLER FAMILY! and nobody else...D:

Don't tell me I have to move them in before deleting the previous neighborhood? @_@ oh crap.

...MY LIFE IS POINTLESS AS A DULL ROCK. I'll give myself a reluctant thumbs up for this post though - its where I tell myself the truth.

I am a lazy, good-for-nothing, stupid, irresponsible, uncaring, user. Lower than a pampered palace brat - just 'cause they have to carry a responsibility to their kingdom one day and all that shit and I don't. I don't think about my future - hell, I don't even bother looking up what I'll do for college - then again, I don't even bother studying to graduate.

I need to graduate - I want to, but the process - I couldn't care less. To me it's a complete waste of time, I don't need it. Why would I work myself to the bone for such a thing? Because I need it, and that's what sickens me.

*sigh* every single day, open up the laptop, click on the bookmarks, check for mail or any sign of people noticing me - NONE. I work and work and work and work for something I give my all too, my time, my stregth and I even risk my health for it. But what do I get - NOTHING.

There was no point in living my life. So why don't I just roll over and die? That would be a hell lot easier...but then I'm a selfish no good person - I don't even know if I'm a person. I think I love myself? I love my life? I don't want to die but I already feel dead.

...? so what now? I don't know...I don't even wanna bother to know but I want to know - yes, LAZY ASS. you shouldn't be surprised.

I feel like a total villain in my own life - fuck.

You know the drill. I BLOG when I'm fucking pissed. And yes - I'm pissed, for those who have enough braincells to click 'My Blog'. SEE - that's how wonderfully thoughtful I am.

Now - on with today's rant. SO you wake up with a fucking banging noise created by the barbaric smashing of your door to the wood of the dresser behind it after 4 hours of just dozing off - yep I slept at about 5 am. Don't get me wrong though, I lay down to sleep by 12 am - and God knows if I fell asleep or not. All I know is, I dozed off by 5 and that's that.

So they keep on yelling "Get up" as if its the new song craze everyone's crazy about; it just won't stop. Like it became the most annoying sound for me. I thought sleeping in my undies would make them knock properly or at least respect my privacy - but no. The effect was just short and they're back to their barbaric ways as usual.

It annoys me like crazy! They're acting like my addiction to my laptop is a bad thing. Oh, it is? Well look again genius, it's so much better than smoking, drugs, alcohol, sex and going out to spend my money crazy. So they ought to be thankful I'm wasting my life in cyberspace. And not getting high, dazed, fucked up or anything like that.

*sigh* but its not their fault. They don't know a thing about me or what I do. All they see is a kid spellbound by her own laptop, not letting go of it - ever. They don't know about me working my braincells to make an original story - they don't know that I'm doing all I could despite the broken mouse to take high quality realistic screenshots. They don't know how I wanted to push my fingers to the limit to keep on winning and build my reputation in the gaming world. They just don't know that - in other words they don't really care.

Here I am, busy making who I am and they just want me to stop. What the FUCK?!

Oh, and btw - thank God for internet and Blogging or I would have destroyed something or stabbed someone with a knife 'cause I just have to get this out. Thank God!

WTF IS THIS THING?! (click for evil) when I laid eyes on it for the first time, I thought, "Well, the cover looks a little newbie-like, maybe I should go read and give some support - afterall, I started there too." But after a minute of reading I think my head exploded!

Poor writing - grammar, spelling, feeling, sense - without the Boys over Flowers "inspiration", this girl won't be able to make a single decent sentence that make sense! It's down right shamefull. Such a thing should not be created after a wonderful classic that is of Hana Yori Dango. - NEVER!

What ticks me is that she's getting more attention - wider audience, as if she's a veteran and they know and love her writing. It's just insane! I can't believe I toil myself to come up with something original - wellwritten and actually made sense to the real world and expect a good reward in the end. But NOOOOOOO. I get fucking nothing - nothing. Goddamn nothing.

And she waltzed right in with her so called "Story" and gets hits - WTF? WTF? WTF? It's either people are just plain pitying her or their braincells had recieved severe damage from last season's craze - Twilight, no no no - TWATLIGHT.

GOD! Has the general population became dumber? >.>

So I played Audition today >,> and when I played I could feel my fingers CRINGING IN FEAR  - LOL. It felt unatural, like my killer insticts in mashing those buttons where gone D: Before I knew it, I was losing one game right after the other - no, not losing sa 2nd-3rd place like I USED TO. I was ALWAYS at the last place now TT^TT which shocked the hell outta me.

How could've this happened? Everyone else was also complaining how they lost their magic too but some are continously being awesome >,> so what happened? Don't tell me a few months with playing can do that 'cause I experienced more than a year's worth of months in total away from Audition and I still got it. However now, I just play after a few days and its gone!

Could it be 'cause I'm sick? 'Nawwhhh, that's impossible, I played before when I had a fever - and still won - yes, that's how awesome I am.

*sigh* well, here are some memorabilia of my glory days, Oh _xSHANEx_ please forgive me for putting such disgrace in your beautiful image TT^TT I promise I'll regain our glory once more.

how I miss you babe TT3TT *goes to practice a LOT*

Sick day # 4 - the number of death.

I told them last night that I'm not going but this morning they just banged on the door senseless - no manners, NO MANNERS AT ALL. *sigh* It's a shame, they're old as turtles and they can't even knock like civilized people.

I kept telling them, persistently that I'm not going, that I can take care of myself and that I'll be fine. But no...they keep on telling me that I have to go 'cause they'll worry about me - which I know you'll nag me about with: "They love you and they're just worried about you." THAT'S just BULL.

They're not worried about me 'cause they love me to the top of their lungs, they're just worried 'cause they don't wanna be blamed for what ever catastrophe would happen to me. It's just irritating! They make me feel like a diabled cripple or something with no hands and feet. It's so fucking irritating; it's crawling in my skin.

Last resort, I lay down my room and waited for them to go in and get my message - I'm not going, respect that. Why do I have to always follow you? I'll be fine here so don't worry.

And so I won. And they left without me - leaving me with all I need right here. A soft cushy pillow that I love so much, my back massaging mattress, my laptop, scanner - essential and a lot of other things. I've backlogged a LOT of stuff lately - AND THAT'S NOT STUDIES - FUCK STUDIES.

Math and Science won't help me improve my writing or my art (unlike the other subjects which I tolerate) so WHY BOTHER? I DON'T NEED THIS CRAP. but I need them for a diploma - boofuckinghoo.

*sigh* such a tretcherous way to live, no...I already feel dead.

I NEED MY LOLCATS. - no, I don't do fucking pills OR medicine, laughter's the best for me.

So...who doesn't watch porn? Nobody, that's who. Now if there's someone who said yes, it's either you haven't hit your parent's cabinet yet or you're a hypocrite. Everybody watches porn; even I do.

What, you shocked? I bet you watched it long before I did. Now, about porn...sure I see naked people fucking eachother and stuff, and they say that it turns you on and all. Mmm...you sure about that? 'cause I don't get turned on when I look at it, I get disgusted.

'You're probably too young to understand' you'd say. Ah but no, I'm not that young and I get turned on too...but not by porn. Actually, it's all thanks to yaoi - yes, mansex. Fanfiction, Doujinshis and the like.

And why? Well...unlike disgusting porn, fuck me senseless without a reason coz I'm just horny...Yaoi has something else. It involves the characters you know and love and you know that they share a special connection with eachother. It means that their sex is meaningful, and I adore that. Straight or not, as long as love is involved - I love it.

Now I'm beginning to understand what God said about how beautiful married sex is. It's meaningful and it involves people who love each other, unlike porn. But I guess that's just me. Now this doesn't apply to everyone, it's MY blog so it only applies to ME basically.

After I mindfuck myself I just lie down there hold my pillow and cry. It was all meaningless. It'd be so much better if the person you love most is right there beside you, it'd feel so much better.

But, like I said, it's just ME. I duhno about you though.

And to add some LOLz to this entry, here's Steve with his explanation of LOVE